CONGREGATION: # We plough the fields and scatter
# The good seed on the land
# But it is fed and watered
# By God's almighty hand
# He sends the snow in winter
# The warmth to swell the grain
# The breezes and the sunshine
# And soft refreshing rain.
# All good gifts around us
# Are sent from heaven above
# Then thank the Lord, oh, thank the Lord
# For all his love #
Oh, Mrs Herriot.
I'm so glad I found you before you left.
It's to do with the annual piano recital by my pupils
-two weeks on Saturday. -Oh, yes.
We can't include all the children of course,
but I do think it's time your Jimmy made his debut.
Hello, Miss Livingstone.
Bearing up under the demands of your prodigies?
-James? -Hmm?
Jimmy's been included in this year's piano recital.
Really?
It'll be the first time we've had a Herriot in public performance.
-I think you'll find it a most interesting experience. -Hmm.
Nerves of steel on the night, yes? (LAUGHS)
Well, if you excuse me, I must see the Wards before they go.
-Yes, goodbye, Miss Livingstone and thanks. -Bye.
Cor!
-What did she mean, "Nerves of steel"? -Come on.
Helen?
Hello, Deirdre, my dear.
Oh, bearing up, bearing up.
Yes?
When? Mannerton?
What time?
Yes, of course I'll tell him.
Yeah, don't worry your pretty little head about it.
I positively guarantee he'll be there.
All right, my dear, goodbye.
(HUMMING)
-Hello, Siegfried. -Oh, you're responsible for this ghastly mess?
-Well, I... -It's intolerable, Calum!
You see, I was just about to clear up after surgery,
but Mr Johnson rang to say he'd seen Nero and Zero
-wandering about in the middle of the road. -Who?
Nero and Zero, my goose and gander.
I think somebody must have left the latch off the gate
so I had to run all the way home to shoo them back in again.
Just look at this,
filthy instruments left strewn around all over the place.
Organs left floating about, swabs all over the floor.
Valuable medicine simply chucked away. Really, Calum!
I don't care if you've lost a wandering weasel or a discombobulated dingbat!
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Yes!
-Mr Farnon? -Oh, hello, Mr Hardwicke.
Come in, Arthur, come in.
I've left Ben and the rest of t'family outside.
Good, oh, good. Now, what can I do for you?
Well, I knew you'd be busy.
It's about last time you came to visit.
-Yes? -Well,
you left this behind, you see, and I knew you'd be needing it.
Oh, well. Thank you, Arthur, that's...that's good of you.
-And this. -Mmm-hmm.
I found that after you'd locked yourself in pig shed that time.
-Good Lord. -Hmm.
You might as well have these an' all, Mr Farnon.
Must be worth a mint judging by cost of all them dittos you put on t'bill. (LAUGHS)
Well, thank you, Arthur, very much.
It seems I've suffered a touch of amnesia.
Not to worry, Mr Farnon.
We can't help how we are, can we?
Well, me and Ben and family will right look forward to seeing you soon.
Yes, yes, yes.
Ah, it's very good of you to call.
-It's a pleasure, Mr Farnon. Ta-ra.
Thank you so much for coming. Goodbye, Arthur.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Next Saturday at seven and don't you forget.
Next Saturday?
Good God, boy! Deirdre rang.
The train leaves at 7:00. She'll meet you on the platform.
At this end...
Mannerton.
And you'd better be there because her parents are gonna meet you at the other end.
Right.
-Edinburgh! -Oh, right.
-Jimmy? -Yes, Dad?
You're supposed to be at Broughton Castle.
-Didn't go, did we? -HELEN: James?
-What happened? -The car broke down again.
-Oh, damn. -Yes, I'm afraid this time
the poor old thing really has had it.
If I accepted Granville's offer of a partnership,
you could have a car for every day of the week.
James, are you seriously considering his offer?
I haven't exactly ruled it out.
-Have you talked to Granville? -No, not yet.
-But he said I'd be his first choice if I was interested. -Oh...
But what we need is a car for you right now.
Our best hope, persuade Siegfried to buy one for the practice.
James, Siegfried is the most generous of men,
except when it comes to cars.
-JAMES: I suppose I could always ask him outright. -Tricky, James.
Siegfried's incredibly twitchy about money at the moment.
-No more than the rest of us. -TRISTAN: Worse.
Last time I raided the petty cash,
he knew to the last dinar how much I'd had.
Always a sure sign of money trouble
when Siegfried knows the form in the toby jug.
I cannot afford to buy Helen a car.
Guile and cunning is the way to proceed, James.
Whenever Caroline wants something,
she paves the way by stuffing him full of his favourite gastronomic goodies.
Really?
Absolutely. Works every time.
Well, thanks,
I'll certainly bear that in mind.
And since one good turn deserves another...
Yes, you're going to need a drink.
-What do you mean? -Well, I'm afraid you've drawn the short straw.
-You mean Siegfried's drawn it for me. -Got it in one.
So, what's his latest demonstration of brotherly love?
Oh, no, no, James. Not Kit Bilton. Not again!
Don't make heavy weather of the job, Tris.
It's just that it's bacon time at the Biltons.
The pig I can cope with.
It's Kit, the man's off his rocker,
and year after year I'm the one who gets lumbered.
Why can't he get a butcher to do it just like everyone else?
Think how well you're going to do in the way of prime pork sausages.
Now, look, James.
Oh, good evening, Kit. How are you?
Never better, Mr Farnon.
-Evening, Mr Herriot. -Hello, Kit.
-How's Chester? -Oh, he's grand.
-Best pig I ever had. -(CHUCKLING)
Can I get you two gentlemen a drink?
-Oh, that's extremely kind of you... -Uh, no, actually, uh...
-I have to get back Mannerton, haven't we, James? -Ah, yes.
Oh, well, another time, then.
Thanks, though.
Well, there you are, he couldn't be happier.
He's always like this before.
-Hello, Mrs Bilton. -Mr Farnon.
Come to do t'business, have you?
Yes... Is Kit about?
Aye, with Chester.
-Come on, let's get it over and done with. -Hmm.
-Will you be wanting your usual? -Oh, yes, please.
Can't get anything quite like them in the shops.
-That's 'cause our sausages are all pig, veterinary. -Yes.
Hello, Kit.
-'Tain't right. -Now, don't start that again, you soft old beggar.
(SOBBING) He deserves a lot better.
He's a pig, Kit Bilton,
made for ham, bacon and sausages.
Look at him, Mr Farnon.
Look at Chester and tell me he's only fit for butchering.
(GRUNTING)
-It's not my decision, Kit. -Pay no heed, veterinary.
It's all the same when pig's due for t'chop.
Go on, get on with it.
I can't bear it!
It'll all be over in a moment, Kit.
-He won't suffer in any way. -How do you know?
Have you ever had a bullet in your brain
and been chopped into sausages?
Are you gonna do t'job or not?
Oh.
He were a good friend to me, were Chester.
Always trusted me to do right by him.
Only fair I do t'same.
-MRS BILTON: Pay no heed to the daft old beggar. -Hmm?
He'll change his tune when there's a plate of sausages under his nose.
-(CHESTER SNORTING) -Well, if you're sure?
(SOFTLY) Don't do it, Mr Farnon.
(SIGHING)
I've known you since you were nowt but a lad,
you were always a Christian.
More than once I've seen you show the milk of human kindness.
He deserves your pity, does Chester there.
Never harmed a soul, that pig.
A Christian, same as you, he is.
Aye, a Christian!
(CHESTER GRUNTING)
(KIT SOBBING)
-(SHEEP BLEATING) -Stay there, Gemma.
-Good morning, Mr Hardwicke, Mr Hardwicke.
Mrs Hardwicke, Mrs Hardwicke.
Hello. Now how can I be of service?
It's those stirks in t'yard over there, Mr Farnon.
Alright, let's have a look.
Oh, yes, a bit of scouring there.
Well, it's a digestive upset.
Easily put right by a simple injection.
Thank you.
(LAUGHING) Uh,
I'm terribly sorry, I seem to have locked myself out.
My little bitch must have knocked the door lock
when she was jumping about in there.
Oh, dear.
The key's locked inside, you see? I can't get at my bag.
It's a bit of a blow, that.
Well, the simplest thing... It's too silly.
(CLEARS THROAT) I... I wonder if one of you could drive me
back to Darrowby for a spare set of keys.
I can't treat your animals unless you do, Arthur.
Aye, I think we can do that for you, Mr Farnon.
I... I shouldn't want to put the whole family out.
Well, now, if I go,
Ben, there, he goes, too.
And so does his missus.
Well, if my missus comes, so does his missus.
And t'bairns.
Aye, if one goes, we all go.
After you, Mr Farnon.
Right you are.
Thank you very much, Mr Farnon.
-In tha goes, Mr Farnon. -All right. Thank you.
(SIEGFRIED GRUNTING)
SIEGFRIED: Going to sit there.
Right.
(ENGINE STARTING)
-Thank you, Mr Herriot. -It's a pleasure, David.
-Bye. -Bye-bye.
Siegfried?
(MUTTERING)
What the hell's going on?
Like an absolute idiot I locked myself out of my car...
At the Hardwicke's!
The entire family's outside there now,
crammed into that desperate boneshaker of theirs.
Ah, keys.
You mean you have to go back all that way?
Unfortunately, yes.
A couple of stirks got to be injected.
Ah, here we are.
Yep.
I must go.
Here they are.
(SIEGFRIED GROANING)
Bye, Siegfried.
Right, off we go, then.
(TITTERING)
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
Do you think I should offer to buy him a drink?
No, just leave him to it, Tris.
-You see, you're doing it too. -What are you talking about?
It's not my fault that Kit Bilton goes to pieces
every time I have to slaughter his pig.
No one blames you.
Well, he does. They all do.
I haven't dared show my face in The Drovers for three days.
(SOBBING)
Damn, he's seen the sausages.
Every year it's the same.
I swear, James, that man and his pigs have blighted my life.
We all have jinxed clients.
I've got Biggins, Siegfried's got the Hardwickes.
Well, at least you and Siegfried are treated like human beings.
That lot over there have tagged me as the heartless butcher of Darrowby.
I bet if you leave it for a week,
he'll see the whole thing as a big joke.
Well, I've had it, James.
In future, one of you can don the black cap.
-(DOG SNARLING) -Get off!
(MOANING)
The sausages!
Let go, you brute! Shoo!
-Let go. -(MOANING CONTINUES)
Oh, well.
Plenty for both of us, I suppose.
And he calls himself a Christian.
Listen to him, boasting and bragging
-about how he'd cook what's left of old Chester. -Yeah.
A cannibal, veterinary,
-that's what you are. -MEN: Right. Yeah.
A right heathen cannibal!
-Morning, James. -Morning, Siegfried.
Oh, Colonel Bosworth phoned.
He's expecting Phin Calvert to deliver a ram this morning.
I'm delighted to hear that.
-And he'd like you to examine it, please. -Which I'll do with pleasure.
Thank you, James.
Strange, isn't it? Colonel Bosworth buying
breeding animals from Phin Calvert.
Well, there's no option, James.
Phin's animals are the best.
Of course, what sticks in Bosworth's craw
is that Phin breeds them on land that used to belong to him.
Yes, well, Phin bought that land in the '30s.
Hell of a long time to bear resentment.
I couldn't agree more, James. Curious, isn't it?
In every other respect, Bosworth is an admirable man
and I am perfectly sure
that Phin strives mightily to foster good neighbourly relations,
but there is none so blind as those who do not wish to see.
James, can you run the children and me into Mannerton after the surgery?
-We'll get the bus back. -Yes, all right.
-Morning. -Morning, Helen, uh...
Siegfried, you got any plans for lunch today?
Uh, not really, James.
Probably end up
catching it on the hoof, as usual.
Well, how about having it here with me?
SIEGFRIED: Oh, James, that's exceedingly kind of you.
I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.
That's no trouble. Something simple.
How about one of Mrs Cromertie's special pork pies?
-What? -JAMES: I know you happen to be rather fond of them.
Fond, James, is not the word.
-They are food for the veritable gods. -(LAUGHS)
Well, it'll just be you and me. What do you say?
James, I say, thank you very much indeed. What time?
-Uh, 12:30. -Right.
I'll be there without fail.
-What an idea. -Good.
CALUM: This could have been a lot worse, Mr Buckle.
Aye, veterinary.
Right nasty is that bull.
I never known owt like him.
He'll go for anything that moves, Mr Buchanan.
Oh, I've heard all about these bulls before.
You know, they're all hot and bothered
until they meet somebody that's just not prepared to put up with it.
Oh, aye? I knew a fellow once,
thought same way as you,
let's see, it'd be 1894.
He went into old Charlie Ollerenshaw's bull field
to show a right wicked 'un who were the boss.
The bull soon showed him.
Is this another one of your tall tales, Mr Buckle?
Well, it's true enough, veterinary, true enough.
All that animal needs is a good, firm hand.
Aye. Aye, well,
they can all cure a kicking horse
except them that has him.
When the history of our rural gastronomy comes to be written,
Mrs Cromertie, may her days be endless,
will rate her very own chapter, James.
I'll second that.
-(DOORBELL RINGING) -SIEGFRIED: Oh, Lord.
Excuse me.
Hello, Mrs Wheatley, come in.
Good afternoon, Mr Herriot. I'm sorry to bother you.
I expect you're having a bit of dinner,
but those tablets you gave me for Bagger, well, they've run out.
Could I have some more, do you think?
They're doing him so much good.
Bring him into the surgery. I'll give him a quick examination.
Come on, Bagger, let's go and see Mr Herriot.
That's a good boy.
-Come on, Bagger, up you come. -Now come on.
-I know you hate this table. -Come on, good boy.
-Good dog. There we go. -That's...
I don't want to spoil your dinner, Mr Herriot.
It's just I can't get down to Darrowby very often.
It's all right. We've just finished.
-You'll get indigestion, then. -(CHUCKLING)
(SOFTLY) All right.
Mmm.
-Very much better, Mrs Wheatley. -(SIGHING)
Bronchitis almost gone.
I'd say one more course of those tablets should just about clear it up.
Come on, then, there's a good dog, come on down.
-There we are. -Thank you.
How much do I owe you, Mr Herriot?
You wouldn't let me pay for them tablets last time.
I must owe you a fair amount by now.
JAMES: Don't worry about it, there's no charge.
-MRS WHEATLEY: No charge? -No, don't worry about it.
Oh, well, I don't rightly know what to say...
-(CHUCKLING) -...except that you've taken a load off my mind,
seeing how little's left for extras.
Thank you very much, Mr Herriot.
It's a pleasure, Mrs Wheatley.
Come on, Bagger, let's go home.
-Goodbye. -MRS WHEATLEY: Bye.
-Siegfried? -Yeah?
I've been meaning to have a word with you about, um...
Well, money actually.
Oddly enough, James, I was about to discuss
precisely the same subject with you.
Oh.
You first, James.
Right. Well, I was hoping that you'd agree
to the practice buying another car.
I need hardly tell you, James, that any inessential spending
is absolutely out of the question at the moment.
Nor can we afford impulsive acts of generosity.
-What do you mean? -Like giving away
those expensive tablets to old Mrs Wheatley just now.
Oh, that.
Not so dismissive, James.
She's an old-age pensioner. She cannot afford M & B tablets.
And we can, you think?
Oh, come on, Siegfried, she's the only one.
It's marvellous how the human mind can blot out unwelcome facts.
-What do you mean by that? -I mean, James,
the cavalier sequence of N/Cs
that adorn the entries of various of our clients!
-Siegfried, that is absurd. -Oh, is it?
Let's see, look here, wait a minute.
Yep, here we are! "Albert Williamson,
"two tins of stomach powder, no charge."
I can explain that.
And again, "Albert Williamson, N/C."
Here, "Charlie Ellis, N/C."
It's all here, James, chapter and verse.
Let me see that book, Siegfried.
-Yes, "Charlie Ellis, N/C." -Helen's handwriting.
With a note underneath, "As per S.F.'s instructions." You see? You do it too.
No, I think you'll find there's been a mistake there.
-Siegfried, only the other day, there was that man...
I know precisely what you're doing, James.
You're trying to tar me with the same brush to salve your own conscience.
That is absurd and damned unfair.
Believe me, James. I understand.
You act from the highest possible motives.
And I freely confess that I'm often tempted to do exactly the same thing myself,
but I resist and so must you.
I've had an excellent lunch, James, thank you, thank you.
-(SIEGFRIED HUMMING) -(DOOR CLOSING)
JAMES: Siegfried? SIEGFRIED: Yes, James?
The reason I didn't charge Mr Williamson...
That's all in the past now, James.
Yes, Siegfried, all in the past now, Mr Williamson is dead.
Oh, that Mr Williamson.
And you gave strict instructions not to submit bills posthumously.
Perfectly true, James.
Ah, Siegfried, that was your favourite clients on the phone,
the Hardwickes.
Sounds like mastitis.
Oh.
Would you like me to go instead?
Thank you, Calum, but no.
It's just that... After all the difficulties you'd had with them,
I thought you might like to give them a miss.
I freely confess I have made mistakes,
but the time has come to lay the Hardwicke jinx once and for all.
Mmm-hmm. And how do you propose to do that?
By determined demonstration of efficiency in action.
Well. I wish you luck with that, Siegfried.
Luck, my dear James,
will have nothing to do with it.
Morning, Arthur, morning, Ben.
Mrs Ben, Mrs Arthur. Thank you.
Now then, let's have a look.
-(BLEATING) -(SQUEALING)
That's just a touch of mastitis, nothing very severe.
An injection of penicillin will soon put her right.
Here we go.
(BLEATING)
Oh, that's fine, thank you.
There you are.
Can you hold that?
Professional expertise in every sense, James.
Instead of a six-minute treatment taking hours as hitherto,
I raced through the whole thing like a tornado.
Jinx broken at last, eh? Well done.
There's nothing that we cannot conquer, James,
provided we are sufficiently determined.
(CHUCKLING)
I found Arthur Hardwicke hanging about outside
so I've just brought him in to you.
Mr Farnon, I'm sorry to bother you.
-Hello, Mr Herriot. -Hello.
No bother, Arthur, come on in.
It's about that ewe that I looked at yesterday?
-Aye, in a manner of speaking. -SIEGFRIED: Uh-huh.
Tell me, you've got one of them new syringes, haven't you?
A new syringe? Yes, of course.
Could I have a look at it, do you think?
Yes, by all means, Arthur. Now, where would it be?
Over there, waiting to be sterilized.
Here you are.
Good heavens. Spectacles?
-(PHONE RINGING) -Aye, they're mine.
I'll tell you what, you have this,
-and I'll have that. -HELEN: Hi, Darrowby 8-5.
Now you can do your job,
and I can get on with reading me Farmer and Stockbreeder, can't I?
I'm most terribly sorry, Arthur, I think I must...
Well, these things happen, thou knows.
Well, we right look forward to seeing you again soon.
-Ta-ra. See you, Mr Herriot. -You're very understanding.
Bye, Arthur.
ARTHUR: By, luv. HELEN: By, Mr Hardwicke.
-Oh! -(LAUGHING)
Siegfried, it's Colonel Bosworth.
He's convinced the ram he bought from Phin Calvert
has got something seriously wrong with it.
Oh, that's a hell of a pity!
Yep, that's it, I'm afraid, it's scrapie.
Well, Calvert?
Nothing to say for yourself?
I'm listening. Go on, Mr Farnon.
SIEGFRIED: Well, there's very little to add, alas.
If the disease progresses to its latter stages,
the animal will undoubtedly die.
Aye, I've seen how scrapie goes on.
And?
Well, you'd be very unwise to breed from it.
It could, very likely would, introduce the disease
into your flock through its progeny.
Do you hear that, Calvert?
Pleased with yourself, are you?
It doesn't please me to see a fine animal like that afflicted.
You saw me coming, didn't you, you conniving little beggar!
Saw your chance to unload your trash and coin it into the bargain.
You're upset, Charlie.
-Don't say things you know nowt about. -Don't I?
Ah, I got your measure all right.
"Anything to help a neighbour," hah!
As long as there's a profit in it for you.
Now, look here, Charlie "Bloody High An' Mighty" Bosworth,
you've been going at me ever since I can remember.
All right, that's your way, I can accept that.
Oh, but what I don't accept and what I won't accept from you or any other
is that I'm not honest in my dealings with folk.
Don't you presume to lecture me.
Aye, I'll will, and you'll listen.
Just because you've got a big name
doesn't excuse you from calling me names.
You're the one who's always going on about family honour and such.
Well, it means no less to a Calvert, thou knows,
only we don't go shouting about it.
Now, look here.
Your cheque, Charlie.
Never my way to cash them
till I know the customer's satisfied,
so there's no cause to get all aerated!
Mr Farnon,
when you've done the P.M., let me have the result.
I like to keep ahead on these things.
Yeah, of course I will, Phin, with pleasure.
Er, look here, this...
This damned thing's, no use to my ewes at tupping time.
It's a good ram they're going to be needing,
and one that won't peg out on me, either.
(SIGHS)
Best come and see what else I've got, then, hadn't you, Charlie?
(HUMMING)
Oh, I don't believe it. (SIGHING)
That was Hubert Merrick. His cow's picked up a wire.
Now, I know how it looks.
Yes,
like a field dressing station after the Retreat from Mons.
CALUM: You see, I was about to tackle it, when the phone rang and...
I can see that the only answer is to demonstrate by example.
And Hubert Merrick's cow gives me the perfect opportunity
to show you
orderly technique
in action.
Could you...
Calum?
That's how it should always be,
everything clean and in its place, do you see?
Uh-huh.
HUBERT: By jove, Farnon.
All this for a cow, eh?
Oh, yes, Hubert.
Nothing is too good for our patients nowadays.
Well, it makes a change.
You chaps are usually up to your elbows
in whatchamacallit when you're on the job.
Wouldn't mind being a cow meself if this is the state of play now.
You're right. Little more spirit, cotton wool.
Cotton wool. Thank you.
(MOOING)
Scalpel.
Right. Now then, Hubert,
this is where we go in. I trust you're not squeamish.
No, no, I've seen blood before, on you go.
(EXHALES)
SIEGFRIED: Second scalpel.
Strange.
(GRUNTING)
Must be excessive ruminal gas.
(GRUNTING)
Calum!
What the hell is this?
Help me deal with this.
Ready...
Must be gas that's doing it.
The scalpel.
Only thing to do is to vent it.
Right, stand back.
(SPURTING)
(FLUID GUSHING)
Why doesn't he let go?
Well, he can't risk letting the contents of the stomach contaminate the innards.
It could kill the animal, you know?
There.
(TITTERING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh.
(MOOING)
-Helen? -Oh, thank goodness you're back early.
-How's Jimmy bearing up? -As ever,
-nerves of steel. -Ah, good.
Well, I'll join you later on. I promised to take Calum and Tris for a drink.
-What... Oh. -Just to see Calum on his way.
-Don't mind walking, do you? -No, no, of course I don't. It's just...
Well, I better hurry up and get changed, then.
Yes, all right, I'll finish this.
Um, thanks, darling. There's some salad there if you're hungry.
Thanks.
-Helen? -Yes?
You do like living in Darrowby, don't you?
Yes, of course I do. Why do you ask?
You don't feel the grass might be greener somewhere else?
Ah, like Granville's patch, you mean?
(CHUCKLING) Something like that.
Have you finally made up your mind?
(INHALES) Um...
James...
Wherever you are is where I want to be,
"For richer, for poorer."
-SIEGFRIED: James? -Here, Siegfried.
SIEGFRIED: Ah, James.
-James? -Hmm?
You'll recall Henry Lumsden
who sometimes does locum work for Hilary Mottram?
Yeah, good chap.
You'd, ah, you'd vouch for his abilities, would you?
Absolutely.
Yes, he is highly qualified
-and he specialises in small animal work. -Mmm-hmm.
I suppose one could say he's the perfect partner for Granville?
Yes.
Good idea.
Well, of course his fiance is already Granville's right arm.
Ah, it's good thinking, Siegfried.
It's so obvious, it never occurred to me.
With respect, James, there is someone
more qualified than Lumsden,
even more deserving of this
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
-Ah, well, we... -Now shush, James.
The work would suit you,
with your burgeoning family responsibilities,
(SOFTLY) good heavens, man, it's perfect.
Yet here you are in Darrowby,
dozing away with no thought for your future.
Well, actually, Siegfried, I have considered my,
our future a great deal,
especially since Granville's idea was floated.
-That's more like it, James. -(CHUCKLING)
Siegfried, haven't you ever asked yourself
why I've stayed in practice with you so long?
Not through any mistaken ideas of personal loyalty, I do hope.
JAMES: Oh, certainly not.
Nor because of any simplistic belief in friendship either.
Good, James! That's exactly what I've longed
to hear you say, for your own good, of course.
Oh yes, of course.
No, no, I stay here because
I want to stay here.
Um, Tristan's expecting me at The Drovers, actually.
At... Mmm...
Yeah, well...
I've... I've got, um, Granville, uh, to sort out.
And then I'm going to attend the...
The musical debut of a young man who's...
Almost as remarkable as his father,
poor James.
Well, um, I'll see you later, Siegfried.
-Wish Lumsden good luck for me. -Yes, of course.
No, oh, James, James!
Uh... One more thing.
I've got something to show you.
-I'm not entirely a fool, you know, James. -Hmm?
The absence of Helen's car, Helen having to take the bus,
lunch the other day...
So we, the practice, have bought a new car
for our frequently unsung member
-who gives unstintingly of her time and loyalty. Huh? -(CHUCKLING)
James, come and get changed, we'll be late.
Darling, just a minute, uh, Siegfried would like to have a word with you.
Ah, my dear.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We, the practice, mindful of your excellent services,
have the greatest pleasure
in offering you this small token of our appreciation.
Er... For me?
-Yes, for you. -Mmm.
-Well! -(CHUCKLING)
(STAMMERING) It's beautiful. Thank you.
-Oh, Siegfried. -Mmm.
Oh, Mr Herriot!
Hello, Billy.
I were on my way to surgery when I saw you.
-What's the matter? -It's Mr Buchanan,
he was seeing to one of me beasts
and daft lad, he's gone in the field where we keep bull.
Oh, my God, he hasn't...
-Aye, he went for him. Come on, he needs help. -Right.
-He's not hurt, is he? -BILLY: No, he's all right.
(MOOING)
(CALUM SNIFFLING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Darrowby 385, Siegfried Farnon.
Oh, hello, Arthur.
Good evening, everyone.
Well, here we are again, Mr Farnon.
It's that young gilt yonder.
-Which young gilt? -Just stopped eating sudden-like.
I see, I see. All right. Let's have a look.
(MUTTERING)
You'll get me a bucket of water, soap, and a towel, won't you, please?
(PIG GRUNTING)
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Got a little skin rash.
Eh, this is a touch of erysipelas.
Anyway, let's take her temperature to start with.
You're a nice little thing, aren't you?
Good.
That's odd.
What?
How very peculiar.
Good heavens.
This pig's got no backside.
-No what? -No anus, no rectum.
I've heard of that condition in piglets,
but I've never come across it in an older pig.
(SIGHS) How wonderful.
Absolutely marvellous.
Pardon me, Mr Farnon,
but if it's got no backside, as thou says,
where does all the muck I shovel out in the morning come from?
I'll tell you, exactly.
The faeces are voiding through the vagina.
That's what happens in this condition.
It's astonishing but true.
What?
You mean...she's sending muck through her waterworks?
Yes. Fetch me a torch and I'll show you.
(TITTERING)
It's absolutely true, I assure you.
No muckhole in the old pig.
God.
Arthur, he's certainly done it this time, hasn't he?
But it's perfectly true!
By 'eck, Mr Farnon,
it's always a right tonic for t'family when thou visits.
It's worth a year's wage, is things thou says and does.
(ALL CACKLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hello, Mrs Herriot, I'm glad you've arrived.
-Evening, Miss Livingstone. -Come along then, Jimmy.
-I'll take our seats. -Margaret.
Good luck to you.
On to the platform. Come along, children.
Where's daddy? Why isn't he here?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GROWLING)
Keep him well off, would you, Billy, please?
Aye. Go on, lad, go on!
What the hell are you doing?
I never could resist a good tree, James.
Oh, how about catching trains?
Oh, dearie me.
No, Deirdre McEwan.
(LAUGHING)
BILLY: Mr Herriot!
(GROWLING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
All right?
-Cordial. -I thought you might be joining me.
I can't stay here. Come on, Calum, let's get down.
-No. -It's two to one.
Look, James, that bull is untameable.
Why do you think I'm up here?
God, I'm going to be late for Jimmy's concert now.
You know where I'm supposed to be.
Thank you all for coming this evening,
to witness the progress made this year
by some of our more promising young pupils.
They're all acutely aware of what a privilege it is
to be chosen to perform before you,
and I hope you'll share my feelings of pride
and pleasure in listening to them.
(APPLAUSE)
Whatever's happened to James?
Oh, well, I saw him set out for The Drovers.
Don't worry, Helen, he'd never miss an occasion like this.
LIVINGSTONE: Our first performer this evening is Margaret Ward,
who will play the Minuet in D Minor by Bach.
(APPLAUSE)
BUCKLE: Mr Herriot, Mr Herriot!
Hello, Mr Buckle.
I'm taking him home now.
(MOOING)
You shouldn't be fooling around with a bull like that.
You were right, Mr Buckle, and I was wrong.
Ah, well, come on down then,
he won't harm you now.
Thank you very much, Mr Buckle.
It's amazing, you know,
a savage bull like that just trotting away with an old cow.
MR BUCKLE: Huh, nowt amazing about it.
Most natural thing in t'world.
That old cow,
it's his mother.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
(MINUET IN D MINOR PLAYING ON PIANO)
(APPLAUSE)
Poor old Jeff Ward.
Oh, she's gone. Oh God, what am I going to do now?
Look, Calum, why don't you come with me to the recital?
You need a relaxing diversion.
I need a good dram, James.
I'm going straight to The Drovers
as soon as I've dropped you off at the church.
If I've missed Jimmy, I'll be joining you.
Don't worry.
LIVINGSTONE: Now, for the final item in our recital this evening,
Jimmy Herriot will play The Miller's Dance.
Come on, Jimmy.
(APPLAUSE)
(DOORS BANGING)
(WHISPERS) Sorry.
Thank God you're here, James.
What's the matter, darling?
He knows it backwards.
(THE MILLER'S DANCE PLAYING ON PIANO)
(SIGHING)
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
(STRUGGLING TO PLAY ON)
(MUSIC STOPS AGAIN)
Try again, Jimmy dear.
(MUSIC STOPS)
All right, Jimmy, I think it's better if you sit down now.
What's the matter with him?
I've heard him play it a thousand times.
Oh God, I can't bear it.
Shh, shh.
LIVINGSTONE: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
for the very kind reception you have given my pupils this evening.
I do hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have.
However, before you go,
there is one young man here that I know can do much better,
and I think we should give him the opportunity to prove it to you.
Jimmy?
(THE MILLER'S DANCE PLAYING ON PIANO)
(MUSIC PLAYING WELL)
(MUSIC PLAYING CONFIDENTLY)
(MUSIC ENDS)
Ah!
-(APPLAUSE) -(INDISTINCT TALK)
Hey, bravo!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Calum, better late than never, I suppose.
I'm sorry, Tristan.
James and I were delayed.
You should be well on your way to Edinburgh.
I know, I've really done it this time.
No, we can't say you weren't warned to mend your Celtic ways.
I know, I know.
You see, James and I bumped into three-quarters of a ton of unforeseen circumstance
and we were forced to shin our way up a damned tree and then...
You're right, she'll never believe me.
You know what she said?
She said if I wasn't on that train, that was it.
Finished. The end.
I've lost her.
It's as simple as that.
Oh, how could I have allowed this to happen?
I love the girl, Tristan.
Yes, yes, play it with violins.
Soon you'll be sobbing into your cups and blaming the world.
Well, I, for one, have no sympathy.
It is, in fact, a performance I intend to miss,
as soon as my young lady has finished powdering her nose.
Thank you. Thanks.
Absolute cad that you are,
here's somebody who still thinks you're the bee's knees.
(GASPING)
-But I thought... -I've telegraphed my parents,
they're expecting us tomorrow.
(SIGHING)
And since you've messed us both about, Buchanan,
you can jolly well stand the round.
I like music, Dad.
Well, I like it too.
I'm not at all sure it likes me.
-Do you know why I like it so much? -No.
Because it's so relaxing.
(GIGGLING AND LAUGHING)